Deflated after Captain Swear Bear smashed the ITT last night, I headed off to bed. I set the alarm on my phone and it had this sorry story to tell me.
Really?
Luckily I had managed a few hours after work, but it was still going to be a big ask to get up and ride to work. I laid my head on the pillow and no sooner had I drifted off to sleep, the alarm was singing its gentle song to wake me up. Urrgghhh. Saving precious energy, I wandered around with one eye open. Grabbing bits and pieces for the commute to work. The biggest problem with winter riding is it takes nearly as long to get dressed as the ride itself.
I knew I was still half asleep when I couldn’t get the arm warmer past my ankle. Urgghhh. For the first time I fired up the heater and plonked all my gear in front of it. I slowly got dressed, waking up as I did. Heater off, I went and sat in front of the computer to get a quick Twitter fix and see if it was all just a nightmare. Nope, the Poms were going off like a frog in a sock. Damn it. Leg warmers on, I was cranky. Somewhere in the back of my sleep deprived cerebral matter an idea formed. I was going to get one back for Australia.
My commute to work is usually about 55 minutes, give or take a minute or two. Wiggins had done his time trial in 51:24. My very best time in to work was 50:33, wind assisted. The challenge was set. I was going to beat Wiggins time on my way to work for the honour of my country.
Yes, I can hear the cries from that speck of land just off Europe, Wiggins went further! I don’t care, this is my story. And, there is also this to think about. I have 12 years on Wiggo. I have about 30kgs on him as well. His cranks are worth more than my bike. He has the might of Team Sky and I had a hot chocolate 5 hours earlier. Riding a bike is his profession, I do it when I can. I reckon things were pretty damn even.
I quick check of the camera and I was off.
Complete with Terminator eye. The norbinator!
It wasn’t quite sun up yet, but I was rolling with my DS, Jose Eduardo Fausto Juan Smith, giving encouragement in my ear piece.
I was chasing the beam of light on the road in front of me.
That Beam of Light
I was pushing hard. All I could taste was toothpaste and desperation. Trying to keep my legs turning and my heart rate below 160 was proving difficult. I was asleep not more than 40 minutes earlier.
Its All Downhill
I hit the first time check 10 seconds down on Wiggins. Maybe I could make some time on the only downhill of the ride. I took a deep breath and folded myself in half so I could get to the drops. Ever seen a bear ride a bike at the circus, sort of like that. My eyes were bulging as I tried to pedal in this position.
Speed Blur
I could feel the skin on my face being pushed forward. G forces I thought. Wait, it should push back. Being hunched over the bike had pushed all three of my chins halfway up my face!
Jose Eduardo Fausto Juan Smith was barking in my ear, something about cadence or croissants, I couldn’t tell. I had hit the halfway mark and was still behind the time I needed. Instead of hundreds of mad French folk screaming “allez, allez, allez”, I got a lazy moo from a cow.
Moo Moo Moo
As the sun rose in the north eastern sky, I was approaching the 2nd time check.
Time Check Ahead
It was then that my electronics failed. No camera, no race radio. Luckily I had opted for Shimano 105, not Di2. Opted may not be the right word.
In my ear, silence, well apart from the rasp of my breathing and the 3 thumps per second of my heart. I was on the rivet. Then off it. Then on again. Like a greased pig standing on a greased beachball. And looking just as stylish. I pressed on.
1500m from the finish was my biggest concern. Traffic lights. Something else old Sweary Bear doesn’t have to contend with. Lady luck was on my side, I blasted through them holding my speed. Jose Eduardo Fausto Juan Smith was getting animated in the team car. Then the course got technical. The flamme rouge! A roundabout, followed by a 90 degree left. A 400m uphill grind to another set of lights that were orange when I flew through them. Another 90 degree right and a 100m blast to the Skoda signs that weren’t there. Legs burning I crossed the line. I stopped the computer and looked down. 49:35 at an average speed of 30.8kph. I had done it. Restored the pride of the nation. I pumped the air with my fist, much to the bemusement of the people at the bus stop. I had dug into my suitcase of courage, turned myself inside out and danced on the pedals. Take that Wiggo! Beaten by a social media wanker!
Not only a good day for me, but the bride is celebrating a birthday. Happy Birthday Onz. xxx
Haha! Nice one norbs! Pretty good for the pre-dawn hours!
Vive le Norbs!
Brilliant norbs, farken brilliant. Back to your usual funny as fark self!!!
Sorry thought I was Wiggo there for a second.
BRAVO ON THE NEW RECORD!!!
FIRST YORKSHIREMAN:Aye, very passable, that, very passable bit of risotto.SECOND YORKSHIREMAN:Nothing like a good glass of Château de Chasselas, eh, Josiah?THIRD YORKSHIREMAN:You’re right there, Obadiah.FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN:Who’d have thought thirty year ago we’d all be sittin’ here drinking Château de Chasselas, eh?FIRST YORKSHIREMAN:In them days we was glad to have the price of a cup o’ tea.SECOND YORKSHIREMAN:A cup o’ cold tea.FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN:Without milk or sugar.THIRD YORKSHIREMAN:Or tea.FIRST YORKSHIREMAN:In a cracked cup, an’ all.FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN:Oh, we never had a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled up newspaper.SECOND YORKSHIREMAN:The best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.THIRD YORKSHIREMAN:But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor.FIRST YORKSHIREMAN:Because we were poor. My old Dad used to say to me, “Money doesn’t buy you happiness, son”.FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN:Aye, ‘e was right.FIRST YORKSHIREMAN:Aye, ‘e was.FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN:I was happier then and I had nothin’. We used to live in this tiny old house with great big holes in the roof.SECOND YORKSHIREMAN:House! You were lucky to live in a house! We used to live in one room, all twenty-six of us, no furniture, ‘alf the floor was missing, and we were all ‘uddled together in one corner for fear of falling.THIRD YORKSHIREMAN:Eh, you were lucky to have a room! We used to have to live in t’ corridor!FIRST YORKSHIREMAN:Oh, we used to dream of livin’ in a corridor! Would ha’ been a palace to us. We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woke up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House? Huh.FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN:Well, when I say ‘house’ it was only a hole in the ground covered by a sheet of tarpaulin, but it was a house to us.SECOND YORKSHIREMAN:We were evicted from our ‘ole in the ground; we ‘ad to go and live in a lake.THIRD YORKSHIREMAN:You were lucky to have a lake! There were a hundred and fifty of us living in t’ shoebox in t’ middle o’ road.FIRST YORKSHIREMAN:Cardboard box?THIRD YORKSHIREMAN:Aye.FIRST YORKSHIREMAN:You were lucky. We lived for three months in a paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six in the morning, clean the paper bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down t’ mill, fourteen hours a day, week-in week-out, for sixpence a week, and when we got home our Dad would thrash us to sleep wi’ his belt.SECOND YORKSHIREMAN:Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at six o’clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of ‘ot gravel, work twenty hour day at mill for tuppence a month, come home, and Dad would thrash us to sleep with a broken bottle, if we were lucky!THIRD YORKSHIREMAN:Well, of course, we had it tough. We used to ‘ave to get up out of shoebox at twelve o’clock at night and lick road clean wit’ tongue. We had two bits of cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day at mill for sixpence every four years, and when we got home our Dad would slice us in two wit’ bread knife.FOURTH YORKSHIREMAN:Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o’clock at night half an hour before I went to bed, drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our mother would kill us and dance about on our graves singing Hallelujah.FIRST YORKSHIREMAN:And you try and tell the young people of today that ….. they won’t believe you.ALL:They won’t!
Haha! Cracking tale Norbs. But you do realise Wiggo went furth…
allez, allez, allez. I was on the edge of my seat right up to when you ran the yellow light. I knew right then you’d beaten that pom bastard.
Awesome Norbs just awesome
Ha ha great blog post, I dream of smashing Wiggo whilst I’m on the bike at the gym!